Ask Doc Part VII
23 11 2009Question, how did you make the transition from kid education to adult living?
Adult living. Like, an adult, having adult relationships? I’m not sure I have transitioned.
It was/is gradual. I started stressing about it at least a decade ago. I mean, what would I do with myself? Some days I still wonder. The great thing about kids is that they have one last really snotty stage that coincides nicely with turning 18. By the time they leave, you’re sad, but not as sad as you’d be if they didn’t annoy the holy crap out of you with their superior knowledge of all things “grown up”, and their firm belief that “you just don’t understand”. Or with their constant reminder to you that they’re now 18.
I swear, I fucking swear - kids don’t really get that you were their age at one time. That you weren’t born pregnant with them. That you had a life before them, that you experienced some of the exact same things they did.
I started volunteering in earnest about a year before they left. That became a full time gig. I barely noticed their absence, except that food now lasts long enough to spoil, the house doesn’t smell like a gym, and I never have to dig wet clothes, that aren’t mine, out of the washer in order to use it. I became aware that other adults out in the community valued what I had to say and told me so on a regular basis. They didn’t sigh hugely and roll their eyes at my every pronouncement. I grew to love that.
Honestly, now that a couple of them have moved home - I’m a wee bit resentful. I find myself biting my tongue A LOT and counting the days until they leave again. I like(d) the clean house, the fridge full of stuff I like, and the QUIET.
Of course, now I’m going to be a grandma. That hasn’t really sunk in completely. There was a time when I was just ME. I liked that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, very much, and wouldn’t trade a second of raising them. But it’s been a long time since I was just ME. I was someone’s partner, then someone’s mother; now I’m going to be someone’s grandmother. GRANDMOTHER.
Life is just one long transition. Smooth it ain’t.
I’ve been saying this, too. It would be too painful if they left home at, say, five, when they’re still so adorable.
The great thing about kids is that they have one last really snotty stage that coincides nicely with turning 18. By the time they leave, you’re sad, but not as sad as you’d be if they didn’t annoy the holy crap out of you with their superior knowledge of all things “grown up”, and their firm belief that “you just don’t understand”. Or with their constant reminder to you that they’re now 18.
Oh THANKGOD!!! I thought it was just mine!!!
I have a great idea for your next blog post. Drive to a babies r us, or similar store, and just browse through the baby section… I would LOVE to hear your take on all things baby these days.
Thanks for answering my question, Doc. My kid had a problem leaving because she didn’t want to “break up our team, Mom!” She is having a harder time learning how to be independent without being part of the team feeling we three had. I remember going through that time, but it coincided with my mom moving in with her boyfriend who didn’t really like any of us, so it was easier on me. Hubby and I are still getting used to being two rather than three. Not an easy transition, though it is nice.